I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
