So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
