i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
