watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
