I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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