just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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