So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
3pm strippers are depressing
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
