I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
