2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
