To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
