When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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