there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
