You can't special order awesome
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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