i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
