I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Can i not drive my cunt home
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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