The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
