Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
