ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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