He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
