Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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