You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
