haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
