When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
