He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
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You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes