I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.