i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.