i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
