I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
