He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
FUCK WHALES
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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