Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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