he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
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Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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