I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
