my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
