Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
