It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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