I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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