She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Someone came in the potted fern
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
