Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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