i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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