as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
