How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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