I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
