I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
