In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
