I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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