I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
