I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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