The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
