he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
