Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
not ubering you a puppy
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
