Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
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Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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