My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
