good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
