i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize