I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
