cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
