Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
