The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
