My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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