im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
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A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
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I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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